Miscarriage Again....

         Last Thursday we experienced another miscarriage. It was my third total, but my second one in 6 months. This time around has definitely been the hardest. I decided to write down my experience this time, so that I always have it to remember, and also to help in my healing process.

         When I was going through my first miscarriage, back in 2012, I remember finding a friend of a friends blog that had also recently gone through the same thing. I found comfort in reading her story and knowing that someone had felt the same things I was feeling. Maybe my story will also one day help someone in return.

          My pregnancy did not start off normal. One Sunday morning, at 5 weeks, I began to bleed. It was pretty heavy and bright red (the worst kind of blood to see), and I was cramping. I was so sad and thought there was no hope of this being anything but a regular miscarriage. However, after about two hours my bleeding subsided and turned into just spotting. I thought that was weird, but still expected the worst.

         The next morning I called my Dr. and was told to come in for blood testing. I went that day and then two days later, they wanted to see if my hormone levels were rising or dropping. At this point I was still bleeding, but not heavily, and it had turned into a darker brownish red color. They told me they would call the next day with the results. I had zero expectations of it being good news. Well, the call came and to my surprise my levels were still rising. They told me to come in for an ultrasound that next Monday so they could get a look at what was happening.

         Monday morning came, I was 6 weeks. Normally I would be sick by now but I felt completely normal. I was still bleeding, and really didn't expect good news. I went into the ultrasound and miraculously they could see a baby with a heartbeat, measuring at exactly 6 weeks and 1 day! They did however see a very large, dark mass right above the placenta and told me that was where my bleeding was coming from. They call it a subchorionic hematoma. I was told by my tech that they are common, and sometimes can cause a miscarriage and sometimes not. She said I would continue to bleed for quite a while longer, but not to be concerned. I scheduled another apt for 10 weeks and went home.

         The next few weeks seemed forever. I never knew from one day to the next if I was going to miscarry. I did however, start to get sick. The same awful, all day morning sickness that I had experienced with my other pregnancies.

         Finally my 10 week apt came. My bleeding had almost completely stopped by now, but was I still on edge about this appointment. I was seen by the Nurse practitioner. While she was using the handheld ultrasound device, she couldn't see a baby or hear a heartbeat. She was the sweetest lady but she was starting to get a little panicked and that was making me get a little panicked. She scheduled for me to go and get an ultrasound done at the hospital.

         The whole walk over I just couldn't help but be worried. I had to wait about 15 minutes once I got there. The nice lady took me back and lo and behold the second she put the wand on my stomach I could hear that lovely heartbeat and see a growing baby. All was well as far as she could tell. The baby was measuring 10 weeks 1 day and even the big huge mass of blood was now so tiny she could barely see it. I scheduled my next apt with my Dr. at 14 weeks and went home.

         For the first time in my pregnancy I felt true relief. I finally believed this baby was here to stay. We decided and few days later to announce the happy news to everybody.

         The next few weeks were NO fun at all. I was so excited about being pregnant but I felt awful! Our house was in complete disarray and it was hard, really, really hard! I kept saying to Greg how I NEVER  wanted to do this again and that I really thought this was our last one.

         The day of my next Dr. appointment started off very normal. My apt was at 9:15 and my mom came over to watch the kids. At this point I had not bled in over 4 weeks. I was still sick and all signs were pointing to this being a regular visit. Nothing could have prepared me for the news I was about to get.

         My cute Dr. came into the room. It was my first time actually meeting her. She was so nice and talked with me for a good long while about my crazy pregnancy so far. She said how wonderful the last ultrasound looked and how relieved she was that my bleeding had stopped. She told me to lay down on the bed so she could listen to the babies heartbeat. She had the little doppler wand in her hand and placed it on my stomach and moved it all over but couldn't hear a heartbeat. She said don't be alarmed, there is a 50/50 chance that she could hear it on that devise at this point. She said she was going to go and get the handheld ultrasound devise to get a better look. She came back and placed that on my stomach and at first we couldn't see the baby. Then she went way low and finally we could see it, but she couldn't get a good picture at all, so she scheduled me to go next door and get a full ultrasound done. I had to wait about 45 min before they could see me so I decided to just wait in my van.

         Longest 45 minutes ever! I didn't know if I should be hopeful or just plain scared. I had been so lucky the other two times, but could I really be that lucky again? My mind really went blank and I tried to think of other things to pass the time.

         I went into the ultrasound waiting room and waited for about 5 minutes while they reset the room. This cute pregnant lady walked out that had just found out what she was having and I couldn't help but wonder if that would be me in another few weeks. I went in and laid on the bed and just waited for the tech to come in. I stared at the blank screen in front of me and wondered what I was going to see when she placed the wand on my stomach.

         She came and stared the ultrasound, but this time it was silent. I could see the baby but couldn't tell yet if it was moving or not. I kept thinking maybe she had the volume turned off. She held the wand still, right over the baby and said the dreaded words I had so hoped not to hear her say, "I don't see a heartbeat." I then could clearly tell that the baby was not moving. She said that the baby measured 12 weeks, one day and I was supposed to be closer to 14 weeks. My eyes filled with tears but I didn't want to completely loose it in front of her, so I held back. She was very kind and talked with me for a minute and then led me back to another room to wait for my Dr. to come in.

         My very kind, compassionate Dr. came into the room. She immediately gave me a hug and told me how very sorry she was. She explained all the details about what we needed to do next. She asked if I would be willing go and have a D&C that day. She was going out of town the next day and she really wanted to be my surgeon. I agreed and I left the office, having been told that the hospital would call me any minute with the time I was suppose to check in.

         The next hour became a frantic rush to get everything and everyone taken care of. Greg was in Park City trying to get all his afternoon patients rescheduled so he could meet me at the hospital. My mom was already with McKay and Julianne. She cancelled her things she was going to do, so she and my Dad could be with the kids that evening. (I love living so close to family!) The hospital called and told me to be there at 2:30. I had about 5 prescriptions that I had to go fill in the meantime but I was able to make it on time to check in.

         Everything was happening so fast that I really never had a moment to sit and process all that was happening. Once I was at the hospital I got taken to my room, hooked up to an IV and told that they would come and get me around 5:00 for the surgery. At this point it was 3:00. I had not ate or drank anything since 8:30 that morning and still was feeling very pregnant and sick.

         Greg finally walked in, gave me a hug, and I filled him in on all the details. I thought I would melt down once I saw him, but only a few tears came out. I was so anxious about the surgery and so hungry that it occupied most of my thoughts. We talked and watch T.V to pass the time. It felt good to be with each other and talk, because for the last 7 weeks we hadn't had many opportunity's. My sickness would be the worst at night and often times I would just have to go to bed when he got home.

         5:00 came and went, and at 5:30 the nurse came in and said that sadly it would be about 2 more hours. WHAT??? Remember I was still pregnant, sick and had not eaten or drank anything for almost 9 hours. I thought I would die! It was so frustrating. We watched A LOT more T.V to pass the time ( I don't think I had watched live T.V in about a year).

          To make things worse, at 7:00 a Grays Anatomy came on. I hadn't seen the show in about 2 years and had no idea what was going on with the characters. The episode started off great. My favorite character, Derek Sheppard (Dr. McDreamy) was saving everyone from a car crash. It was so awesome and then out of the blue he gets side swiped by a truck flying down the road and boom the next thing we know he is in the hospital having surgery. I thought there is NO way they will kill him off, no way. This show would be nothing without him! Well, my day had been full of unwelcomed surprises and they did kill him off and it was awful to watch. (Not what I wanted to see before I went into surgery).

         Ok, back to the story. At 8:00 they came in and said it would only be about 30 more minutes. I was so tired and so hungry. I had Greg give me a blessing. It was beautiful and so very sweet. Right after the nurse came in to wheel me away. Greg walked down with me and met my Dr. and she said it would be about a 30 minute procedure. She was so kind and I was so glad that I had randomly picked her as my Dr.

         They took me into the OR. The Anesthesiologist put the sleeping medicine into my IV and I slowly started to relax and get very tired. All the voices in the room turned into fuzzy noises and then he placed a mask over my face and that's all I remember about the surgery.  

         I woke up to the sounds of nurses talking. I couldn't open my eyes at first but I could hear them asking questions about me. I heard one nurse ask how far along I was. The other nurse replied saying "I think she was around 8 weeks or so." I wanted to scream out loud and correct them and say "oh no, I was almost 14 weeks thank you." But I couldn't move my mouth yet. Slowly, after a few minutes, I was able to opened my eyes. I was looking right at a clock on the wall and it said 9:35. I looked around and no one was in the big recovery room except for me and one other nurse. I also all of the sudden felt something that I hadn't felt in months....not sick.

         At that point I realized it was all over. My baby was really gone and it was all I could do to keep my little lip from quivering and my eyes from bursting into tears. I heard the nurse call Greg and tell him where to meet me. She came over and asked how I was doing and told me they were going to take me to another private room until I was well enough to go home.

         I got to the room and Greg was there waiting for me. Another very kind nurse came in with water and crackers!!!! I was so happy to see food! She told me to eat slowly and that as soon as I could stand up and walk, I could go home. I ate the two packs of Saltine crackers she had brought. Who would have known those disgusting things I had carried around with me for weeks, could actually taste like heaven! After eating and drinking a bit more. I finally felt ready to try and stand up on my own.

         Greg helped me up and as luck would have it, I really felt well. I was so tired and I knew Greg was to, so  I paged the nurse and told her I was ready to get dressed in my own clothes and leave. It was now 11:30. She walked Greg and I to the elevator, again told us how very sorry she was for our loss, we got in and the elevator door closed.

         For the first time all day, Greg and I were truly alone and all of the sudden the events of the day came flooding in and I just broke down and started sobbing. As we walked slowing out of the lobby I just kept thinking about how somewhere in the hospital were the remains of our once baby. I had to leave it behind, never to see it or know if it had been a boy or girl. The baby that I had thought about everyday a million times over for the past 14 weeks was no longer with me.

         Greg helped me into the car and we slowly pulled away from the hospital. As I watched the building pass by and out of sight, I remember thinking in my head. "Goodbye baby." As we continued to drive home, for the first time ever that night, I was grateful my surgery had kept getting pushed back. I was thankful I could think and reflect in the quiet darkness.

         I thought about how I would no longer need the summer maternity clothes I had just ordered online a few days earlier. ( I had never been pregnant through the summer before). I thought about how Brinley had asked to take our ultrasound picture to school the next day for show and tell and now she wasn't going to be able to. I thought about how I no longer needed to worry about how we were going to rearrange the kids' rooms so the baby could have its own nursery. I thought about our fun, family vacations we had planned for the summer and how I had imagined being pregnant during all of them. I thought about how I was going to have one of those "gender reveal parities" with our families to announce if it was a boy or girl. Our baby was going to be born right before Halloween and I had imagined getting a cute little newborn Halloween costume to take it around trick or treating in with the other kids. All of these silly thoughts (and more) had occupied my brain for the last several weeks. They were the happy thoughts I thought of to help me overlook how awful the pregnancy sickness was and to keep me sane when my house was a disaster. All of these things no longer mattered and I had to let them go.

         We pulled into our driveway right before midnight. My Mom was there to greet us and all of the kids were sound asleep. We talked to her for a minute and then all of us went to bed. Again in the quiet, I laid there and just thought. I was so tired but my mind kept thinking. I knew the next morning was going to be really rough and I would have to put on my best face and be a mother to my other children.

         We received so much love and support over the next few days. My mother was a life saver and stayed with me most of the next day so I could rest. She helped me get my house put back together and did about 2 hours worth of built up ironing and folding clothes. We had meals brought in and friends and family came to visit. I received countless text messages and phone calls. It was sweet and we felt so loved. So thankful to have many wonderful people in my life.

         I know this was LONG, but it was an experience that was important to me, never to forget. I know I will look back on this one day and have a clearer understanding of why it happened. I also know that one day I might even be grateful it happened the way it did. I know that God knows what's best for us. I know when I reflect on some of my past trials, I realize it was because of them that I was able to receive greater blessings. Blessing greater than I ever imagined possible. I'm so thankful for my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It makes hard things bearable. I'm thankful to know that my family is forever and that one day, all that was lost, will be restored.

Thank you for reading!